Soulmates don't always mean lovers

You’re my person, but not like that

When you hold a cat in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other, something’s gotta drop. This is about me wanting to be friends, and him wanting to be my lover.

I miss him. It’s weird how much I miss him, considering he’s still around—but not in the same way. You know how that goes. We were close. Talked about everything—death, dreams, dumb childhood memories. He was my soul friend. Someone who just gets you. To him I have always been something more.

Then he said it: “I love you.” But not in the “I’m so glad you exist” kind of way. He meant the kind of love that wants more. Forever. Future. The works.

I love him too. Just...not like that.

Loving him is like loving a tree. You love the shade, the way it stands through storms, but you don’t want to marry it. You hang out under it, but you don’t carve your initials into it like a romantic gesture. I tried explaining. I said, “You’re my person, but not my person.” Which sounds dumb, but when someone’s looking at you like you hold the key to their happiness, words crumble. And I can’t give him what he wants. I just can’t. I think about calling him. Just to talk like we used to. But I don’t, because I know it won’t be the same. He’s waiting for me to feel something I don’t. I hate that. I hate that I can’t give him what he wants. And I’ve thought about it—maybe I could fall in love with him. Maybe if I squinted hard enough, it’d line up. But love doesn’t work like that. You can’t force it. It’s not a painting you move to fit the room.

Ughh, this sucks beyond sucking could suck.

Like riding a bike with a flat tire. You can still move, but it’s awkward. I miss the ease, the flow. Now, there’s always this tension, this unspoken thing. It’s like a bad song stuck in my head. I wish he could see what I see. But he’s stuck in the romance part, and we’re stuck in this messy limbo. You meet someone who could be your best friend for life, and instead, you end up with everything fragile, breaking. Maybe it broke the second he decided he wanted more. Now I want to hang with him but I can’t!

I don’t know what to do with that.

Why does it always have to go this way? Why can’t we just stay in that simple space where we love each other in our own way? It’s like holding sand. The harder I try to keep it, the faster it slips through my fingers.

I had my thumb hovering over his name, ready to hit send, but stopped. Because what would I say? ‘I miss you, but not the way you want me to’? Yeah, that’d go over well.

I know he’s hurting. I can feel it when we talk. And I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe it’s not mine to fix. But I want to. I want things to go back to how they were, but I know that’s impossible. You can’t un-ring a bell. Once someone’s in love, you can’t snap your fingers and make it go away.

Is this another friendship breakup? We’re sitting on opposite sides of the same coin, staring at each other, wondering how we got here.

Maybe, in time, we’ll figure it out. Maybe we’ll be able to laugh about all this and go back to how it was. Or maybe not. But at least I’ll always have the memory of what we were—before everything got so damn complicated. And maybe this is going nowhere. Maybe that’s the point.

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• Can you truly go back to “just friends” after someone confesses their love?

• Can friendship survive unrequited love?

Tell me tell me tell me!!

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