Rich in worry, poorly at peace

My love-hate affair with money

You know, I used to feel poor whenever I had less than a lakh in my bank account. For my dear readers from various parts of America, a lakh in rupees equals approximately 1,200 dollars.

By poor, I mean poor by my extremely Westernized, high-stakes, city-living, city-splurging standards.

I panicked uncontrollably. I had nerves, real nerves whenever the balance tipped under the lakh mark and entered into the tens of thousands.

Standing on the edge of a financial precipice. A mini financial pandemic in my bank account, if I can call it that. I always wanted more, more, more.

If I had more, I could do more.

Not necessarily "buy more" stuff. I am a practicing minimalist. I savor the ambiance of a house party over a techno club or frequently sharing nutritious meals at home with my grandparents as opposed to dining out. I rarely drink more than two drinks a month. I quit smoking many moons ago. I'm not even a shopaholic.

However, I do allow myself to splurge in certain areas.

I love to buy meaningful gifts, like gym memberships and flight tickets for my family. Take them out for a scrumptious meal every now and then.

My giving love language is acts of service and spending quality time. Sometimes I like to spend that quality time high up camping in the Himalayas, or on salty Goan shacks, at our favorite cafes in the city.

Money allows me to move freely.

Freedom to give as much as I desire to anyone I want. Money gives me the freedom of choice. And with that choice, I can do what pleases me.

When it comes to me, I buy books, courses, and skincare. Those are the three main areas of wants, needs, and desires clubbed into one. I absolutely love to bury my nose deep into a book and forget the world around me. Escaping reality is often how I cope with it.

The courses I buy either advance my work research or are for personal improvement.

Some months it's a LinkedIn masterclass, and other months it's a monthly subscription for my favorite yoga teachers. And then, my most cherished materialistic desire—skincare.

My skin is combination type. That means some parts are dry, like my cheeks, and some parts are super oily, like my T-zone (forehead, nose, chin). It needs some tender love and care. I like to give it that. I like to splurge on it. Take care of it. This also includes oils & masks for my hair, lotions and scrubs for my body.

I feel invincible after a shower! A squeaky clean glazed doughnut.

But money has been a mercurial mistress these 25 years.
Hard to catch and easily lost.

I avoid debt like the plague; it makes me anxious.

Borrowing money, even from my parents, sets my heart on edge, and I repay it swiftly if I ever do. Money makes me feel empowered and not having it makes me feel worthless.

Perhaps these are traits of someone who’s toxically hyper-independent???

All of this to say, maybe my mindset keeps me broke.

I write this with an account balance of negative 23.28 rupees (that's approximately negative 30 cents) and my nervous system in chaos mode.

I feel like the living embodiment of the Ten of Swords tarot card—pierced, defeated, and lying on the ground.

I do have a job, and it's not like I will be broke forever.

But it's the first time in my entire life since I started making money—from age 18, that’s in the last seven years—I have nothing to give. I cannot monetarily help anyone else, let alone myself.

How did I get here? Why am I feeling a good-for-nothingness???

Well, it took a 22 grand root canal, a really important yoga retreat, and auto-investment SIPs—all in a span of six weeks. I woke up broke. Negative broke. Haha!

This is to say, I don't entirely have nothing. But what I have I cannot touch. My investments are long-term and compounding away. My corpus is growing sweet & juicy.

I typically invest 60-70% of my income. I spend the other 30% on everything else. Some months I still have money in my account as I end up not using all of it. That's how I've always worked.

Until now.

I feel I need to bump up my sources of income and diversify them. My future self can only enjoy the life she wants to live when I get to her. & right now I’m nowhere near that satisfaction. I’m anti-happy. Anti-confident.

Right now, I can only walk.
Right now, I feel nothing.

There's nothing to fear when there's nothing to lose.

Again, WHY am I thinking so poorly of myself simply because I shabbily managed my expenses one month?

You ever feel you know the right thing to do but you simply can’t do it?!

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I must correct myself. I do feel grateful. I don't have the money I need but I have other things.

I feel blessed to have a family to bank on in times like these. Friends who do not judge me. The luxury of three meals a day with fruit and tea breaks. A roof over my head. Hot water in my cup. My hard bed on which I rest well. These words. My feelings. What else does one truly need to be happy anyway?

Everything I really need to get by is provided for. And for that, I'm immensely thankful.

I don't feel free. I feel I'm dead weight.

I have trouble asking for help. Words don't pour out of me. This is one area out of many areas in my personality that's blinking red for amends. I need to learn it's okay to not be okay. To not have everything sorted at all times. To be in need of help instead of the one offering it all the time.

I need to learn that in all realities I am a free human.
That my worth is determined by the kind of person I am.

I would like to be able to put food on the table. Pamper my parents with massages and vacations. Go dancing with my sister. Float in turquoise waters of Nusa Penida with my boyfriend. Catch a plane whenever my heart desires to meet a friend overseas. I would like to have so much to donate. Not just clothes and books like I always do, but genuinely monetarily support causes I believe in and empathize towards.

I'm fiercely goal-oriented and determined to turn my life around. Sincerely. Dedicatedly. With discipline. And a smile on my face. I have nothing to lose. I can take risks. I am an able-bodied, smart, and creative individual.

This rough patch won't be rough for too long if I keep my head straight and eyes on the prize: freedom.

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Well, if you’re still here, hi again!

Although I can’t see you, but I do feel connected to you as I write this giant rant of a letter. I also feel incredibly vulnerable. Naked as naked can be; in the soul sense. Is that strange? You will read this 3 days from today.

I am curious to know:
1. Do you find that your financial situation significantly impacts your sense of freedom and well-being?

2. Have you ever felt reluctant to ask for financial help when needed, due to pride or fear of judgment?

I love you 🧡

if you feel you’re losing yourself, like your dreams are far faaaar out of reach, focus on the road ahead, not the road that curves in the horizon, just the road 3 meters ahead.

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