When I Say I’m Fine, I’m Lying
But Only a Little
When I tell you, "I need space," what I mean is: I need air that doesn’t taste of expectations. I need silence so I can hear my thoughts without them crashing into yours. Most days, I’m fine living in my shell, rolling it up and down the same street, collecting dust or moonlight. But some days, my insides are too loud, and I wonder how anyone else survives being alive in the same room as me. When I say, “I’m okay,” I mean it in the way a cracked teacup still holds tea. You don’t notice the cracks unless you’re looking for them. I used to spill over—words, feelings, all the anger I didn’t know how to name. It scared people. It scared me. Now I stir it all into something sweeter, like blending spinach into a smoothie so no one knows it’s there.
When I go mute in the car on the way home, it’s not because I’m cross with you.
I’m memorizing. The way my sister’s laugh sounds like a match being struck. The way my dad’s tee-shirt smells like our clothing factory. My mom’s hands, always moving, always doing something for someone else. I love them too much to leave but not enough to lose myself inside them. Even they wouldn’t like that. I learned that the hard way. And when I crawl into bed next to you, and your knee jerks and your breath slows and the snoring starts, it’s not annoying. Your ribs rise and fall in rhythm so mine start copying it. I love my space so much but for once, I don’t want to be alone with my mood, my delulu stars, my pen & paper. The world might actually be okay. I have a front-row seat to your humanity.
Some Mo To Life is a free publication, but I care for it as if it were paid. Why? Because I want my words to travel far and wide, spreading joy, comfort, and love to as many souls as possible.
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I’ll see you on Wednesday!
Love,
Mo 🧡
Mohika,a picture of Grumpy Mo,but still beautiful. We need to do a life swap. You can have a week of my silence and isolation and I'll have a week of your colourful world,and as it's still freezing cold here some hot sun would be welcome! I'm joking! Even I've had that feeling,sometimes families,people,obligations can be too much and I get that want to get away feeling. But you have a lovely life as do I do I'm glad you saw it at the end.