I'm so tired I'm surprised I can write

floating, barely

source

Dear You,

I am letting myself stand up and not write, leaving the time that seems too abundant these days. I have been waking up either at the perfect time or nowhere near it. Too late to any moment that matters. It feels stagnant, this cycle of too much sleep and not enough coffee, and it’s easy to romanticize when you’re talking to the wrong person. Luckily, all of my friends are just as tired of caffeine as I am right now, so we joke about how few drinks we’re having in a day. Usually just one, if that.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t been writing at all. The locked note in my phone where I bury my ideas has started to dry up (metaphorically, at least). Yesterday, after driving back home, I stared at my Notes app and closed it without typing anything.

I don’t know whether I’m floating or flying. I think it’s some messy mix of the two. Some lazy drifting, cloud hopping, sun soaking kind of move. It sounds positive, I guess. I’m not sure if it is. Life is supposed to be quiet sometimes, and there are still exhausting things, and I know that. But I am moving at a snail’s pace and somehow still too fast at the same time. I think everything is falling apart but then I glance at my to-do list and the little checked boxes, and my heart slows down. I do too much. I did so many tasks I checked off 3 pages of bullet points. & just like that, it feels trivial. Easy. But I know doing things & saying that you’ll be doing them are completely different games. So far I’m playing the first one.

I’m floating, yeah, but just barely. It’s confusing. It’s all too confusing to me.

Time feels like it is stretching out like old chewing gum. The span from when I wake up to when I fall asleep feels hollow, feels sparse. I am inside, I am idle, I am resigned. But sometimes it feels like a sleep I can never quite fall into. A compulsion to stall without any real reason.

Notes in my Google Keep I don’t want to expand on:

• I don’t know how to care for myself when things are easy.

• Everything in my past shackles my present.

• I am a sinking stone.

• My life is moving at the wrong speed (is it even in motion?)

Okay, maybe this is heavy, sleepy energy. I want to apologize to you, but I won’t, because you can stop reading anytime you want. You don’t have to apologize to me either. Free will and all.

I think this chapter in my life would be called something sleepy. Something like, "The Girl Lies Still Until She Forgets How to Move and Then Laughs for No Reason." Or maybe, "The Way the Fog Sits at Noon," if you want to get a little more poetic. Or maybe just, "Numb."

I can sit still just long enough to know that I’m going to survive this slowness.

---

Some songs if you’re lying in bed thinking about everything and nothing:

• Saturn by Sleeping at Last (it feels like you’re floating through space)

• Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers (for when you need to feel a little angry and a little alive)

• Space Song by Beach House (perfect if you want to stare at the ceiling and just... be)

How are you moving through your days lately? If you had to name your current season, what would you call it? Tell me how are you, really???

I love you!
See you next Wednesday 🧡

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